Tag: December

Ho Ho No

“So you’re saying they weren’t even there?” Bob asked.

“Scripturally speaking, no,” Woodruff replied.

“And the camels?”

“I’m afraid not, they are most likely representations that the men came from foreign lands to the east.”

“I feel so betrayed.”

“The nativity is really a combination of the New Testament account in chapters two of Luke and Mathew, but the shepherds are the only ones that we know who were actually there on that night.”

“What about the donkey?”

“There were most likely livestock, as the manger that the baby was laid in was for feeding them.”

“You’re blowing my mind.”

Woodruff and Bob continued to walk down the snow covered street, between the snow banks from the road and the recently shoveled driveways.  Bob fidgeted with one of the bags in his hands and Woodruff looked up at the starry sky.

“We don’t actually know how long it took for the wise men to find Jesus, after they saw the new star,” Woodruff continued.

“So Jesus didn’t actually get any gifts on His birthday?” Bob asked.

“After the angels left the field, the shepherds came and found the baby and worshipped him,” Woodruff said.  “The gold, frankincense, and myrrh came later with the wise men.”

“When we get home I’m going to put those three kings in the bathroom.”

“Why the bathroom?”

“I can’t think of a more foreign land than the bathroom.”

“Good point.”

The homes on the street were adorned with bright, multi-colored lights, wreaths, and snowmen.  Woodruff and Bob stopped in front of the only house on the street with no decorations at all.

“This is the place?” Bob asked.

“Yep, this is him.”

“You ready?”

“Let’s do this.”

Woodruff and Bob crouched down and snuck up the walkway to the darkened doorway.  Bob placed the bags on the porch next to the doormat.  Woodruff and Bob reached in together and pulled out a box, wrapped in bright red paper.  Woodruff nodded to Bob as they set the box gently in front of the door.  Bob checked to the darkened windows to the right and left of the door, and rang the doorbell.

“Run!” Bob whisper-yelled.

Bob ran back down the walkway and across the street, without looking back.  Woodruff scooped up the bag and followed quickly behind him.  When they were safely on the other side of the street they slid behind the snow banks and peeked back toward the old house.

“Do you think he’s home?” Bob asked.

“He’s home,” Woodruff said.  “He almost never leaves.”

A faint light from a lamp switched on inside the house, beyond the curtains.

“See,” Woodruff said.  “This is it.”

The front door opened and a skinny gray-haired man pushed open the screen door and looked down at the bright red box.

“This is usually where they try and stomp out the flaming bag,” Bob whispered.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

The skinny gray-haired man bent down and picked up the box.  He looked out toward the snowy street and scanned from one end to the other.  The box began to shake and the skinny gray-haired man placed it back down on his porch.  He tore off the wrapping paper and pulled open the box.  Out popped a brown and white puppy, which jumped into the skinny arms of the gray-haired man.  The puppy licked the skinny old face of the gray-haired man, as he gently caressed its brown and white head and scratched behind its ears.

“This is what it’s all about, Bob.”

“Yeah, this is way better than a flaming bag of poo.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Woodruff and Bob lay in the snow, behind the cover of snow, until the skinny gray-haired man took the puppy and the box into his home and closed the door.

“Now he won’t be lonely anymore,” Woodruff said.

“How do you know he was lonely?”

“For all the years I’ve lived across from him, I’ve never seen him have a visitor.”

“That’s sad.”

“I’ve invited him to dinners, and parties, and game nights, but he’s never come.”

“Maybe he doesn’t like you, or maybe it’s that shampoo that makes your hair smell like walnuts,” Bob said.  “It’s confusing and unsettling.”

“I know,” Woodruff replied.  “But I don’t think that’s it.”

Woodruff stood up from behind the snow bank and Bob joined him.  Woodruff led the way up his brightly lit walkway to his front porch, which was ablaze with blinking multi-colored lights.

“Do you think it’s because you’re so tall and he got a look up your nose?” Bob said.  “That happened to me once and I’ve never been able to look at you the same.”

“No, that’s not it,” Woodruff said.  “I think he’s agoraphobic.”

“He’s afraid of acorns?”

“No, he doesn’t like open spaces or big groups.”

“Oh.”

They turned and looked back at the house across the street.  The silhouette of a skinny gray-haired man and a prancing puppy could be seen through the lamp-lit curtains.  Woodruff reached into the bag and pulled out a box, covered in shiny green paper with a red bow.  He handed it to Bob with a big smile.

“Happy Christmas, Bob.”

With a twinkle in his eye, Bob pulled the top off the box and pulled out a glimmering glass snow globe.

“Hey,” Bob said, looking inside the glass ball.  “It’s us.  Is that?”

“Yep,” Woodruff said.  “That’s us, standing on top of Devils Tower.  I had it made.”

“Cool,” Bob said.  “I love it.”

“I know you were disappointed we didn’t have a close encounter.”

“If I’m gonna climb to a laccolithic butte, carrying a keyboard, I expect to see some aliens.”

“I know,” Woodruff said.  “But it was a pretty epic day, anyway.  Like every day since we met.”

Bob smiled and they nodded at one another.  Suddenly, there was a prancing and pawing sound on the rooftop.

“A clatter,” Bob whispered as they both looked up at the ceiling of the porch.  They followed the sound of boots clomping across the roof, toward the chimney.  There was a whooshing sound down the chimney to the fireplace and a loud crash.

“Ho, oh, ow!” a cry came from inside the house.

“What was that?”

“Remember on your list, where you wrote you wanted to meet Santa?”

“Bob, what did you do?”

 

Woodruff threw open the door and turned on the lamp,

To find a stranger flailing, and dangling, with his foot in a clamp.

 

His world upside down, he looked jolly and weird,

From his chubby old ankles to his snowy white beard.

 

The blood rushed to his face, which was red as a cherry,

And he squirmed when he yelped, like a dog on the prairie.

 

His sack had exploded and burst on the floor,

As two friends stood gawking, by the chilly front door.

 

“Woodruff, meet Santa,” Bob boldly declared.

As Woodruff’s mouth fell open, half delighted, half scared.

The Theory Awakens

Like most of you voluntarily reading this, I love Star Wars. One of my most vivid childhood memories is going to see Return of the Jedi in theaters when I was six (I wanted an Ewok so bad). I watched Empire Strikes Back on HBO repeatedly one summer, seriously every time it was on (Obsessed I was). When I was eighteen and hungry for more Star Wars I read a series of books that were set several decades after Episode VI and was able to catch up with Han, Luke and Leia as generals, parents and Jedi masters. I dreamed that one day I would see those stories on the big screen and on December 18th that dream will become a reality. I still cannot believe it.

I have followed the news and consumed the promotional materials and trailers like a wampa at a free tauntaun buffet. As JJ Abrams is famously secretive, there is still much we do not yet know about the story for the new film but I thought I would take a stab at guessing the identity of some of the characters and the plot. This is strictly my theory based solely on the trailers and the interviews I have read from the cast and crew, so these cannot be considered spoilers (The odds of me correctly guessing the plot are approximately 3,720 to 1). And yes, I put way too much thought into this.

The Force Awakens

First, I believe that Rey, played by Daisy Ridley, is without a doubt Luke Skywalker’s daughter. They have purposefully withheld her last name and from the international trailer we hear her say she is waiting for her family. Furthermore in an interview Ridley said her character was abandoned on Jakku when she was five years old. Combine that with the knowledge that the First Order is the re-incarnation of The Empire and has been hunting Luke Skywalker as the despot who murdered the noble Emperor Palpotine and spread chaos through the galaxy (which I believe will be the propaganda The First Order uses to recruit people to their cause). Giving further credence is the fact that we have not yet seen Luke and much focus in the marketing has been on Rey.

We know from Abrams and Kathleen Kennedy that Episodes VII, VIII and IX are a continuation of the Skywalker saga so we are going to be introduced to the next generation in this film. Could she be Han and Leia’s daughter? Sure, and she would still technically be a Skywalker, but why would Han and Leia, who are still clearly around and capable, abandoned their daughter on a desert planet? It doesn’t make sense.

Rey

What does make sense is that Luke had a child and for her protection left her on an isolated desert planet just as was done for him. Luke separated himself from her so she would not be hunted and nobody would know of her relationship to him. Meanwhile, Luke goes off and lives in seclusion to hone his connection with the Force like his mentors Yoda and Obi Wan. And this is where the action picks up in The Force Awakens.

Finn, played by John Boyega, is a Stormtrooper with The First Order. He sees some things that make him question the propaganda he has been fed his whole life. Possibly the torturing of Poe Dameron, played by Oscar Isaac, or the burning of the settlement by Captain Phasma, played by Gwendoline Christie. Finn helps Dameron escape from a star destroyer and he himself is shot down in the process, crash landing on Jakku. He meets Rey, who has returned from a successful scavenging run inside a fallen star destroyer, just as TIE Fighters show up and start blasting the Hoth out of everything. They escape in the Millennium Falcon where they meet Han and Chewbacca. “Chewie, we’re home.”

Uncle Han has been searching for Rey since they learned of her existence and needs her to help find Luke and bring him back out of hiding because there is a emerging threat to the galaxy. The new quartette travel to a distance planet to speak with the pirate Maz Kanata, played by Lupita Nyong’o, as they believe she has knowledge of Luke’s whereabouts, or possibly because she has his lightsaber. Or both? Kanata, who lives in the temple with all the flags, fills Rey in (and also the audience) as to some of the events of the last thirty years and a bit of her family history and why Luke left her. (I’ll hedge my bet slightly here and say that since Kanata is described as a pirate the temple might not be her base of operation, it could very well be the headquarters of The Resistance and Han is taking her to Aunt Leia.)

MazKanata

In the meantime, Captain Phasma and The First Order shows up and starts wrecking shop outside the temple. Troopers capture Han, Chewie and Finn but just in the nick of time they are rescued when Poe Dameron and the rest of The Resistance show up and an epic X-wing/TIE Fighter battle ensues. LeiaTFAGeneral Leia, who orchestrated their rescue, arrives and is reunited with Han. Rey meets Aunt Leia and Finn officially joins The Resistance.

The First Order is forced to retreat and Captain Phasma must report their failure to General Hux, played by Domhnall Gleeson. From interviews by Gleeson and Abrams, Hux is an ambitious General who has his sights set on running The First Order. His rival is the Vader fanatic Kylo Ren, played by Adam Driver, who is the disciple of Supreme Leader Snoke, played by motion capture wizard Andy Serkis. Kylo Ren, if that is his real name, is obsessed with Vader and the dark side and collects Syth relics. He wants to finish the work of his grandfather to bring order to the galaxy and turn Luke to the dark side. “Nothing will stand in our way. I will finish what you started.” That’s right I said it, his grandfather. Kylo Ren is none other than Han and Leia’s prodigal son. Boom! (Whaaaaaaat??)

Snoke is the master behind the scenes and while General Hux is focused on completing and activating their terrifying weapon (a new Death Star) from the Star Killer base on the ice planet, Kylo Ren is tasked with hunting down Luke and any potentially Force-sensitive life forms, a.k.a. his cousin.

FirstOrder

While General Leia, Admiral Ackbar (that’s right, he’s back), Poe Dameron and the rest of The Resistance address the impending threat posed by the new Death Star; Han, Rey, Chewie and Finn continue on the search for Luke.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens Ph: Film Frame © 2014 Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All Right Reserved..
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Ph: Film Frame
© 2014 Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All Right Reserved..

I have no idea what happens from here but this is how I would love to see Episode VII end. Kylo Ren catches up with his father, his cousin and Finn on a remote forest planet where both parties believe Luke to be hiding. Ren attacks them and cuts off Han’s hand (it’s Star Wars, you know it’s gonna happen) and is bearing down on Finn. Finn produces Luke’s lightsaber (which he’s only wielded a couple of times) and prepares to defend himself. Ren soundly defeats Finn and is about to end him when out of nowhere a cloaked figure appears and Force pushes Ren through about a dozen trees with power and intensity we have never seen. The figure turns to Rey and Finn and removes his hood to reveal a grizzled and bearded Luke Skywalker. [Cut to black] Bring on Episode VIII!

KyloRen

Things I hopeI’m Luke Skywalker. I’m here to rescue you.”
star-wars-imax -Han and Leia are indeed together in this movie.
-Leia will have honed the Force and will have senses and abilities of a Jedi
-Rey has Darth Plagueis’s staff.
-Supreme Leader Snoke turns out to be Darth Plagueis.
-We see the bones and skull of a certain Gungan Senator in the background of a shot.
-Any character who says “midi-chlorians” is immediately dismembered and thrown down a long shaft.

Things I fearI’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
-Finn is Lando Calrissian’s son. That’s just stupid.
-Rey built BB-8. It was idiotic to have Anakin be the creator of C3-PO, don’t do that again.
-Han dies in this movie.
-Chewie dies in this movie.
-Luke has turned to the dark side.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. What do you think is going to happen? Comment below or on my Facebook page or tweet at me. #EpisodeVIITheory