Tag: Aaron Blaylock

A Pocket Full of Danger

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“Two noble adventures strode deep into the heart of darkest Africa.  Why would they brave this treacherous continent?  How might their mettle be tested?  What treasure lies in their path?  When will they reach their breaking point?  Who will rescue them from the brink of insanity?  Where in the hedge are they?”

“Are you going to narrate our entire trip?” Woodruff asked.

“It’s likely,” Bob replied.

“A bird flew over Woodruff’s head and nearly pooped on him.  Bob was not worried because of his wicked-sweet Panama hat that Woodruff foolishly mocked.”

“It doesn’t make sense to wear a Panama hat in Africa.  You wear a Panama hat in South America,” Woodruff said.  “And stop talking about yourself in the third person.  And stop using the narratory voice.”

“Bob ignores his foolish friend and presses forward boldly through the dense jungle vegetation.”

“There’s no way of stopping this, is there?” Woodruff said.

“Nope,” Bob replied.

“The dangers of the rain forest are real and ever-present but these elect explorers eat danger for breakfast.”

“You had six waffles and a half can of sardines for breakfast,” Woodruff said.

“Fueled by desire…”

“And sardines,” Woodruff interrupted.

“…these heroes trekked where no one else dared.”

“We literally passed a bus load of tourist from Florida like an hour ago,” Woodruff said.

“Discovery was their byword and Adventure their middle name.”

“Your middle name is Carroll,” Woodruff scoffed.

“That’s a unisex name and everybody knows it, whispered the gallant gentleman explorer.  Undaunted by the naysayers, this valiant voyager led them onward to destiny and to glory.”

“And mosquitoes,” Woodruff said as he swatted at the tiny insects in his face.

“I told you, you should have bribed that mosquito king in Kananga like I did,” Bob replied.  “Haven’t had a bite since.”

“My integrity is worth more than a couple dozen bug bites,” Woodruff said, scratching at his arm vigorously.

“Suit yourself,” Bob said.  “Usiniache mimi peke yake, mdudu!”

The swarm of mosquitoes parted and flew around Bob.  As soon as he passed the swarm surrounded Woodruff.

“You don’t even know what you’re saying,” Woodruff said and swatted at the attacking mosquitoes.

“Like my granddad always said, if it ain’t bit don’t scratch it,” Bob replied.

Woodruff unleashed a torrent of bug spray on the swarm and the mosquitoes fled the humid confines of their dense jungle surroundings.

“He did not say that.”

“Did too.”

“No one has ever said that.”

“Well, Mr. Smarterella, I just did, so there.”

Bob pushed aside a group of thick leaves to reveal a teeny tiny man carrying a bundle of sticks on his head.  At the sight of Woodruff and Bob the little man dropped the bundle and ran back into the jungle.

“An African leprechaun!” Bob shouted.

“It’s a pygmy,” Woodruff correct.

“That’s offensive, Woodruff.”

“A pygmy is a term for an adult who is less than a meter and a half.”

“A meter, a barely know her.”

Woodruff stopped and shook his head.  Several dark little men emerged through the bush, carrying spears.  The tribesman surrounded Woodruff and Bob with the threatening spears pointed up at their torsos.

“Holy Websters!” Bob exclaimed.  He put his hands in the air and Woodruff did the same as they moved to stand back to back.

“Easy there,” Woodruff said.  “Friends.  We’re friends.”

“Of course we’re friends,” Bob said.

“I was talking to them.”

“Oh, right.”

“Unataka nini,” the diminutive leader spoke.  He wore a colorful band on his head and arms.

“What did he say?” Bob asked.

“No idea,” Woodruff replied.  “Try that thing you said to the mosquitoes.”

“Usiniache mimi peke yake, mdudu,” Bob said.

The pygmy warriors began shouting and thrusting their spears at Woodruff and Bob.  Their little faces were contorted in anger as they yelled and spit.

“Take it back,” Woodruff said.  “Say you’re sorry.”

“You’re sorry,” Bob replied.

“Not the time,” Woodruff said.  They dodged the tips of the spears and kept their hands raised in surrender.

“What do we do?” Bob asked.

“Dunno,” Woodruff replied.

“Show ‘em your magic trick,” Bob said.

“What?  Why?” Woodruff replied.

“You got a better idea?” Bob asked.

“Fine,” Woodruff said.  “Does anyone have a quarter?”

The tiny warriors stopped growling and looked at one another.

“Tough crowd.”

“I’ve got a stale Vanilla Wafer from last week.”

“You told me there were no more Vanilla Wafers.”

“Do you want the cookie or not.”

“Fine, give me the wafer.”

Bob reached into the side pocket of his cargo pants and produced a small round cookie.  Woodruff took the cookie and waved it around in the air in a showman like fashion.  He and Bob turned in a synchronized circle so that all the little men could get a look.

“Watch carefully,” Woodruff instructed.

Woodruff brought his free hand over the cookie and quickly separated them to show the warriors his empty hands.  A murmur rolled through the crowd.  Woodruff reached over to the man in the colorful headband and placed his hand behind their leader’s ear.  When he produced the cookie once more and displayed it for all to see, a shout rose up from the shocked audience.

“Tada!” Bob exclaimed.

Woodruff popped the cookie in his mouth and began to chew.

“It’s not stale at all,” Woodruff accused.

“Fine, I always keep cookies in my pockets,” Bob admitted.

“I knew it!” Woodruff said.  “That explains why there’s always crumbs on your shirt.”

“I told you, that’s a dermatological issue.”

“More like a dessertatological issue.”

“Ignoring you!”

The tiny men, who had grouped together and lowered their spears, were watching Woodruff and Bob suspiciously.

“What do we do now?” Woodruff asked out of the corner of his mouth as he gazed down on the half-point hostage-takers.

Bob thought for a moment.  “How about this?”

He pulled a piece of bubble gum from his cookie pocket and popped it in his mouth.  After several seconds of chewing, Bob blew a big pink bubble the size of his fist.  With a dramatic flick he pulled the bubble from his mouth and displayed it for the awestruck onlookers.  Their leader, with the colorful headband, bowed himself to the ground and all his companions followed.  They began chanting something neither Woodruff or Bob could understand.

“What’s happening?” Bob asked.

“I think they’re worshiping us,” Woodruff replied.

“Cool.”

“Maybe.”

“What do you mean, maybe?”

“Well, this could go one of two ways…”

“Go on…”

“Well, either they are worshipping us, like I said,” Woodruff began.  “And we’re going to be taken back to their village, fanned with palm fronds, feast on their bounty and riches, and live out our days as gods.  Or…”

“Or…?” Bob questioned.

“Or they’re praying to a pagan deity who requires human sacrifice,” Woodruff continued.  “And they’re going to take us back to their village, rub us down with wildebeest lard, cook us, and eat us.”

“Oh no.”

“I know.”

“I’m allergic to wildebeest lard.”

“We’ve got to get out of here.”

“I don’t want to be rude,” Bob said.

“Are you kidding me?” Woodruff asked.

“What if we wait to see what lard they’re going to rub us down with first?”

“Bob!”

“Fine.”

“We need a distraction,” Woodruff said as the men rose up from their prostrated position.  The pink bubble gum bubble in Bob’s hand popped and collapsed against his fingers.  Bob hurled it over the sea of tiny heads into the bush.

“Run!” Bob shouted as the men turned to watch the pink blob fly through the air.

Woodruff and Bob turned around and plunged through the thick jungle vegetation.  Woodruff turned around and saw Bob was also looking behind them.

“Are they coming?” Woodruff asked.

“No,” Bob replied.  “And I think their little chief is eating my gum.”

They continued to run for several minutes until they were sure they had traveled to a safe distance.  Woodruff raised his arms up, put his hands on his head and tried to draw in deep breaths.  Bob doubled over and placed his hands on his knees while he panted at the ground.  After their racing hearts calmed, they both turned and looked back the way they had come.

“Our heroic adventures barely escaped with their lives from the menacing jungle horde.  Humbled, wiser but no better looking, because, seriously, how are you gonna improve on this action.”

Woodruff rolled his eyes.  Bob reached into the side pocket of his cargo shorts, pulled out a Vanilla Wafer, popped it in his mouth and began to chew.

“Can I have a cookie?” Woodruff asked.

Bob’s eyes grew big as he sheepishly swallowed the masticated wafer.  “That was my last one.  Scout’s honor.”

He crossed his heart and covered the opening to his cookie pocket with his other hand.

You Can’t Spell Healthy Without Y

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“Is heart burn one word or two?” Bob asked.

“Use it in a sentence,” Woodruff replied.

“Three easy ways to tell whether it’s heart burn or heart attack,” Bob read.

“One word,” Woodruff said.  “Is that your article this week?”

“Yep,” Bob said.  “What are you working on?”

“A follow up piece on the squatty potty,” Woodruff said.

“That was riveting stuff,” Bob said.  “Drove a lot of traffic to the site.”

“Everybody poops,” Woodruff said.

“You can say that again.”

“That again.”

Woodruff and Bob busily typed on their laptops at opposite ends of a tiny round table in the nearly empty store.  The walls were lined with thick books with red and black spines.  Behind the counter, a short stocky woman with a wispy mustache flipped through one of the books from off the shelf.

“Carmela, if you felt chest pain that radiated from your chest to your jaw would you think heartburn or heart attack?” Bob asked.

“Heart attack,” Carmela answered.

“See, right there,” Bob said.  “I’m saving lives.”

“Are those symptoms of a heart attack?” Woodruff asked.

“No, it’s probably heartburn.”

“Then, how are you saving lives?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Bob said as he threw his hands in the air.  “We can’t all write about cutting edge toilet innovation.”

“Don’t bring the squatty potty into this,” Woodruff said.

There was a tiny squeak from the white and gray seagull in the corner of the store.

“See?” Bob said.  “Ruth knows what I’m saying.  Salubrious Women dot com is about Women’s Health.  Anybody can use the squatty potty.”

“It was your idea to focus on Women’s Health,” Woodruff said.

“You hear that, Carmela?” Bob said.  “Woodruff doesn’t care about women’s health.”

“I didn’t say that,” Woodruff argued.

“This guy hates women,” Bob shouted to the ceiling as he pointed wildly at Woodruff.

“Who are you shouting to?” Woodruff asked.

“I’m shouting to the world, Woodruff.  I’m shouting to the world,” Bob said with wild-eyes.  “I only did this because you said you wanted to be a world famous writer.”

“I did, I do,” Woodruff said.

“Well congratulations,” Bob said.  “Salubrious Women is the No. 3 nationally syndicated online women’s health blog, among women ages of 65-88 with biweekly posts, on the entire World Wide Web.  World.  Famous.  Writer.”

“But they think my name is Coleen Spencer,” Woodruff said.

“It’s a pseudonym, Woodruff,” Bob said.  “I told you, women want to get health advise from other women.”

“But we’re not women.”

“What’s the difference between men and women?”

“A lot,” Woodruff said.  “Hair, makeup, the propensity to purchase large quantities of shoes, the capacity to bear children, upper body strength, the level of anger over ceilings made of glass, the ability to distinguish between lime-green and chartreuse…”

“Chromosomes,” Bob interrupted.  “The difference between men and women is chromosomes.  Women have two X chromosomes and men have an X and a Y chromosome.  Between us we have two X chromosomes, so together we’re basically a woman.”

“That makes sense.”

“That’s science.”

“Girl power!”

Woodruff and Bob jumped up and high-fived each other while Carmela shook her head.

“Hey ladies,” Carmela said.  “Are you gonna buy something or what?”

“Do you have anything other than encyclopedias?” Bob asked.

“No,” Carmela replied.

“Not to question your business model, but is it a good idea to offer free WiFi at an encyclopedia store?” Woodruff asked.

“That’s it,” Carmela said.  “Out!”

“All right, Carmela,” Bob said.  “Don’t get upset, we’re going.”

Woodruff and Bob grabbed their laptops and headed out the front door.

“What got into her?” Woodruff asked.

“You should read my last post, Cycle or Psycho: Understanding your Menstrual Calendar,” Bob replied.

“Sounds educational,” Woodruff said as they walked down the street.

“I thought so, but Sheila Cruella got a lot of angry comments on that one,” Bob said.  “One of them even called me a charlatan.  I’ve never even been to North Carolina.”

“You should go,” Woodruff said.  “They have the best BBQ.”

“Better than Tennessee, Texas, Missouri, Georgia, Mongolia?” Bob demanded.  “I doubt that.”

“Now I’m hungry,” Woodruff said.

“Me too,” Bob replied.  “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“That Coleen Spencer and Sheila Cruella should tour the world ranking BBQ joints, turning Salubrious Women into Scrumptious Women and providing our readers with our top 100 BBQ recommendations?” Woodruff said.

“Actually, I was thinking we could eat lunch at that Waffle House across the street,” Bob said as he pointed to the black and yellow sign.  “But let’s do your thing instead.”

“When I say it out loud it sounds like a lot of work,” Woodruff said.  “Waffle House is way easier.”

“Totally,” Bob said.  “We should do your thing later though.”

“Then we could follow it up with a book about taking off those BBQ LBS through napping,” Woodruff said.  “We’ll call it Meat, Weigh, Doze.”

“Brilliant,” Bob said.  “I smell a best seller.”

“I think that’s T-bone steak and hash browns,” Woodruff said, with his head tilted and his sniffer pointed at the Waffle House.

“Yep, I think you’re right,” Bob said, sniffing at the air.  “Either way, we should totally write that book.”

“Then I can check another thing off my list,” Woodruff said.

“Writing a book?” Bob asked.

“No,” Woodruff said.  “Being interviewed by Oprah.”

“That will be so amazing!” Bob said as they crossed the street toward the Waffle House.  “I bet she smells like turnips.”

“And apricots,” Woodruff and Bob said in unison.

“That just feels right, doesn’t it?”

“Do you think we’ll get to meet Gayle?”

“Absolutely,” Woodruff said.  “Oprah and Gayle are like the Woodruff and Bob of television.”

“Aw, I wanted to be the Oprah though” Bob said.

“We’ve been over this,” Woodruff said.  “Bob and Woodruff sounds like a vacuum sales team.”

“Well, can they be Gayle and Oprah then?” Bob asked.

“That’s insane,” Woodruff said, as he pulled open the door to the Waffle House.  “Do you put the cheesesteak at the bottom of the Cheesesteak Melt Hash Brown Bowl?”

“No,” Bob moped as he stepped into the greasy dining area.

“Plus, they’d have to change their logo,” Woodruff said.

“You’re right,” Bob conceded.

A large red-faced man chewed on a mouth full of hash browns, smothered with gravy, grilled onions, and cheese.  As Woodruff and Bob passed his booth the man clutched his chest and fell onto the floor.  The manager leapt over the counter and ran to the fallen patron.

“Not again,” the manager said as he bent down and put his ear to the man’s chest.  “Fourth time this week.”

“Should we call 9-1-1?” Woodruff asked.

“It’s probably just heartburn,” Bob said.

Brauts Away

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“Walruses really don’t like tomatoes,” Bob said.

“I tried to tell you,” Woodruff replied.

“That was one grumpy walrus.”

“Who knew they could throw so far?”

Woodruff and Bob walked along the icy coast.  Bob pulled up the fury hood of his parka, to cover his bald head from the chilling winds.  Several brightly colored houses dotted the distant hilltop.

“I thought Greenland would be greener,” Bob said.

“Me too,” Woodruff agreed.  “Makes you wonder, if Iceland is even icy?”

“Yeah, or is the wholly land even wholly?”

“Exactly.”

“I’m freezing.”

“Why did you wear shorts?”

“You know I don’t own pants.”

“But you have a parka?”

“I traded a Sherpa twelve yaks for it.”

“Where did you get twelve yaks?”

“It’s a long story,” Bob said.  “But I started with just a paper clip and a half eaten baguette.”

“Epic,” Woodruff nodded.  A strong wind blew in their faces and whipped Bob’s hood off.  “This fresh air is invigorating.”

“It’s invigorating my nose hairs,” Bob said.  “Let’s fine some place out of the cold.”

“How about in there?” Woodruff said.  He pointed to a metal hatch, sticking up out of the sea at the end of a rickety old pier.

“Works for me.”

They jogged down the shoreline and skipped across the wooden planks of the old pier.  Woodruff stepped down off the pier onto the steel hatch and Bob hopped down beside him.

“Should we knock?” Woodruff asked.

“It’s good manners,” Bob said.

Woodruff banged on the lid to the hatch with a plastic penguin foot.

“Ahoy down there,” Woodruff called.

The only sound to be heard was the howling winds and the waves lapping up against the steel hull.

“Maybe no one’s home,” Bob said.

Woodruff shrugged and turned the round wheel on top the lid.  There was a whooshing noise, as air released from the hatch and Woodruff and Bob pulled the lid open.

“Whoah,” Woodruff’s voice echoed as he peered down the shaft.  There was a metal ladder that led down into the darkness.

“Cool!” Bob shouted so his voice would echo.

“Caca!” Woodruff yelled as they both chuckled from the echoes.

“Whooty Who!” Bob called.

“Wer is da?” a voice shouted up from the hole.

“Ich bin Woodruff un das ist Bob,” Woodruff replied.

“What did he say?” Bob asked.

“He asked who we are.”

“And what did you say?”

“I told him who were are.”

“Was willst du?” the voice asked.

“Nach aus der Kälte kommen,” Woodruff replied.

“Kommen runter,” the voice replied.

“He says we can come down,” Woodruff told Bob.

“Good deal,” Bob said as he hopped over the side and slid down the metal ladder.

Woodruff climbed down into the hatch and secured the lid to block the freezing winds.  They found themselves standing in a cramped passage with an old bald man with a crooked nose and a thick wool jacket.

“Guten morgen,” Woodruff greeted the old man.

“Guten morgen,” the old man replied.  “Ich bin Friedrich.”

“Ich freue mich, sie kennen zu lernen,” Woodruff said.

“Does he speak English, ‘cause this is all German to me,” Bob said.

“Yes, I speak English,” Friedrich said.

“Awesome,” Bob said.  “This is a cool underwater fort.”

“Das ist ein u-boot,” Friedrich said.

“A submarine?” Woodruff replied.  “So cool.  Could we have a ride?”

“Ja,” Friedrich said.

Woodruff and Bob followed Friedrich deeper into the hull.

“Have you ever had to fight a giant squid?  What’s tougher, a great white shark or a killer whale?  Do you know where Godzilla sleeps?  Is Jacque Cousteau nice?  Have you ever met James Cameron?” Bob barraged Friedrich with questions.

“Ist dein freund verrückt?” Friedrich asked Woodruff.

“Wahrscheinlich,” Woodruff replied.

“What did he say?” Bob asked.

“He said Jacque Cousteau is a total prima donna,” Woodruff lied.

“I knew it,” Bob said.

On the bridge, Friedrich pressed several buttons and the hum of the engines reverberated through the ship.  He pulled some levers and cranked some knobs while Woodruff and Bob gawked at all of the little blinking lights.  They grabbed on to the sides as the submarine lurched forward and cruised through the water.

Friedrich busied himself reading instruments and adjusting levers while Woodruff lowered the periscope.  Bob helped himself to some bread from a heaping plate full of meat on top of a small stool.

“What do you think this does?” Woodruff asked.  He looked down from the periscope and pointed to a round red button.

“I don’t know,” Bob said.  “Push it and find out.”

“Should we?” Woodruff asked.

Bob reached up and pushed the button.  There was a whooshing noise as the air pressure was released from somewhere deeper in the hull.

“Nein!” Friedrich shouted.

Woodruff and Bob pointed fingers at each other.

“Was hast du getan?” Friedrich asked.

“Du solltest keinen Knopf haben, den du nicht gedrückt hast.,” Woodruff said.

“What did you say?” Bob asked.

“I said he shouldn’t have a button he doesn’t want pushed,” Woodruff answered.

“What did the button do?” Bob asked.

“It launched a torpedo,” Friedrich grumbled.

There was the sound of a distance crash and crumbling outside the ship.  Bob’s eyes widened.

“That’s amazing,” Bob said to Woodruff.  “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“We should launch these bratwursts out the torpedo bay,” Woodruff said.

“Yes!” Woodruff and Bob shouted together.

“Verrücktes,” Friedrich said.

Bob grabbed the plate of meat and led Woodruff to the torpedo bay with Friedrich limping along behind them.  Woodruff and Bob were disappointed to find that the shaft was much larger than the individual tubes of meat.

“This won’t work,” Bob complained.

“Friedrich,” Woodruff said.  “Hast du ein großes Rettungsfloß?”

“Ja,” Friedrich said and he hobbled off through a tiny metal doorway.

Woodruff and Bob searched through the submarine and gathered up all the food they could find.  They met Friedrich back in the torpedo bay and rolled all the food into the deflated life raft.  Before they could load it all the way into the port and close the door, there was a grinding sound above and beneath them.  The three of them were thrown to the floor as the ship came to an abrupt halt.  Welds and seams began to burst as something squeezed the ship from the outside.

“Was ist das?” Friedrich asked.

“Giant squid,” Woodruff and Bob whisper together as they looked at the ceiling above them.

“You think it talked with the walrus?” Woodruff asked.

“If it did, we’re in trouble,” Bob replied.

“Ich werde mit diesen Verrückten sterben,” Friedrich said.

“Yeah,” Bob replied, still eyeballing the crunching hull.  “What he said.”

“Quick, let’s fire this meat and appease the beast,” Woodruff said.

“Great idea!” Bob said.  They pushed the meat raft into the port and Woodruff pulled the cord to inflate as Bob closed the bay door and tightened the crank.

“Come on Friedrich,” Woodruff said.  “Push the button.  Schnell!”

Friedrich ran over to the red round button and slammed his fist down on it.  There was a whoosh and a pop, followed by a shriek beyond the metal tube.  The hull creaked and grinded as the pressure released and the submarine scuttled through the water once more.

“We did it!” Bob shouted.

Woodruff hugged Friedrich, who did not look happy about it and Bob danced around in a circle.

“That was close,” Woodruff said.

“That was the fourth time brautwurst has saved my life,” Bob said.

They ducked through the metal doorway and gathered back on the bridge.

“So where are we headed from here, Friedrich?” Woodruff asked.

“Das Mutterland,” Friedrich replied.

“Do you think Mutterland is even Mutter?” Bob asked.

Jell-o Ono

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“There’s good, and then there’s perfect,” Woodruff said.

“That was perfect,” Bob said.

“Better than perfect.”

“Perfect plus.”

“Perfect to the max.”

“Perfectsaurus Rex.”

“Booya!” Woodruff said as he held his hand high in the air.  Bob jumped up and chest bumped Woodruff, knocking him backwards into a tambourine stand.

“How’d that sound in there, Jethro?” Bob asked the man with the long scraggily beard in the glass booth.

Jethro leaned forward into the microphone, wiped his greasy hand on his flannel shirt and pressed a button.

“I’ve, honestly, never heard anybody sound like that,” Jethro’s raspy voice answered through the speaker in the wall.

“There ya go,” Woodruff said.  “We’ve got a unique sound.”

“I knew it,” Bob said.  “I knew we had something special.”

“Can I make one suggestion?” Jethro asked.

“Anything, Maestro,” Bob said.

“You might want to ditch the seagull.”

“What?” Woodruff asked.  “We can’t get rid of Ruth.”

“Yeah,” Bob said.  “Mo’ Mormons Mo’ Harmony needs a seagull and Ruth is the best in the business.”

“Look man, you booked the studio, so it’s your time and your money,” Jethro said.  “I’m just saying that it’s distracting when the bird squeaks in the middle of the chorus.”

“That’s our edge,” Woodruff explained.  “Ruth is like our Sebastian.”

“Sebastian?” Jethro asked.

“The crab from Little Mermaid,” Bob said.

“Look J-dawg, we’re out to revolutionize the music industry,” Woodruff said.  “You said it yourself, you’ve never heard anything like us.”

“Yeah, about that,” Jethro said.  “I don’t think a pan flute really fits with a hip hop song.”

Woodruff gasped and covered his mouth.  Bob put an arm around him and patted him on the back.

“You leave Sylvia out of this,” Bob said.

“Whatever, bro,” Jethro said.  “You’ve got a bird, a pan flute, and two dudes jumping around like Bell Biv Devoe.  It’s wild.”

“I’m starting to think you don’t even get what we’re doing here,” Woodruff said.

“I don’t,” Jethro said.  “I mean, green jell-o and carrots?  What’s that about?”

“That’s gonna be the title track for our debut album,” Bob said.

“Actually, I think we should just call it Green Jell-o,” Woodruff said.  “You know, keep it classy.”

“What are you talking about?” Bob said.  “The song is about green jell-o and carrots.  Anybody can sing about green jell-o.  We’re Mo’ Mormons Mo’ Harmony.”

“I get it, but is the audience going to connect with it?” Woodruff said.

“The audience is going to connect with the music,” Bob said.  “I don’t want to be all mainstream, singing about green jell-o.  We’re not Justin Timberlake, we’re Mo’Mo Mo’Ha.”

“I wrote the song, Bob,” Woodruff said.  “I am the music.”

Woodruff walked over to the pedestal and snatched the sheet music on top.

“Bounced into the cultural hall, we ready to have a ball,” Woodruff began to read aloud.  “What’s that on the table, my heart seems unstable.  Green jell-o and carrots, my mouth couldn’t bear it.  Them ‘freshments have merit, I ain’t gonna share it.  Green jell-o and carrot.”

“See, those lyrics are sick,” Bob said.  “So why not showcase them in the title?”

“Because you gotta let them find it in the music,” Woodruff said.  “You don’t just throw it at them.  It’s a delightful surprise, like the carrots in the jell-o.  Tell him Jethro.”

The bearded sound engineer looked up from his iPhone.  He adjusted his trucker hat and leaned into the microphone.

“Uh, sorry,” Jethro said.  “Wasn’t listening.”

“Which sounds better, green jell-o or green jell-o and carrots?” Bob asked.

“Honestly, I’m more of a pudding guy,” Jethro said.

“Chocolate or banana?” Woodruff asked.

“Chocolate,” Jethro replied.

“Correct answer,” Bob declared.

“Listen, I’ve got a mariachi band coming in here in like two minutes,” Jethro said.  “So can you guys, like, take this outside?”

“No problem, J-dawg,” Woodruff said.

“Please don’t call me that,” Jethro asked, before he released the microphone button and turned his attention back to his iPhone.

“Come on, Ruth,” Bob said.  “It’s time to go.”

The seagull pecked twice at the microphone and flew through the open door.  Woodruff and Bob stepped into the hallway, where five men in black bedazzled jackets and matching sombreros waited with their instruments.

“Hola amigos,” Woodruff said with a bow and a sweeping gesture to the recording studio.  “El estudio es toda tuya.”

“You speak Spanish?” Bob asked.

“I’m fractionally fluent,” Woodruff said.

“Fractionally fluent?” Bob asked.

“I can speak at least 3/3000th of over twenty-seven different languages.”

“Impressive.”

“Jugar buena muchachos,” Woodruff said as the mariachi’s filed into the studio.

“Yeah, hugo bueno my nachos,” Bob said.

The door closed and Ruth let out a tiny squeak.

“I know,” Woodruff said.  “Now I want nachos too.”

“The nachos are going to have to wait,” Bob said.  “We’re in the middle of a full blown crisis.”

“The song title?”

“Yes.”

“It’s really not that important to me, name it what you like.”

“Not important to you?” Bob shouted.  “Then what are we doing here?  Not important?  This better get important to you.”

“Fine,” Woodruff said.  “It’s important.  I think it should be Green Jell-o.”

“Unacceptable!” Bob yelled.  He stormed off down the hall and loosened his tie.  “It’s Green Jell-o and Carrots, or nothing!”

Ruth flapped her wings and flutter down the hall in the opposite direction.

“Bob, wait,” Woodruff said, dogging Ruth’s flight.  He jogged down the hall after Bob.  “We can name it Green Jell-o and Carrots.”

Bob stopped in front of the big metal door, beneath the red EXIT sign.  He turned back to Woodruff and put his hand on his hip.

“You’re giving in?”

“Yes, I don’t want to argue about this.”

“Well I could never work with a musician who isn’t as passionate as I am,” Bob said as he pulled off his tie, pushed open the door, and exited the building.

Woodruff followed him outside as Ruth returned and swooped in to perch on his shoulder.

“Musician?” Woodruff questioned.  “You’re my backup dancer and you play the air guitar.”

“Like a boss,” Bob said.  “Without me you’d just be out there by yourself with a step-bounce-spin and no shimmy-shake-twirl-jiggy-jiggy.  You’d look like an idiot.”

“An idiot who can, and I quote, sing like a young Al Yankovic,” Woodruff said.

“Enjoying singing without this action,” Bob said as he shuffled side to side and flapped his arms in a wavy motion.  Then he spun around, removed his black name tag from his pocket and flung it into the street with his tie.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying it’s over.  Mo’Mo Mo’Ha is dead.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

They walked up the street in silence for several blocks.  Ruth squeaked and fluttered her wings as they crossed the road, to get to the other side.  Woodruff looked over and noticed Bob smiling.

“Why are you smiling?”

“Well, you  had Start a Boy-Band on your bucket list,” Bob began.

“Yeah,” Woodruff eyed his friend skeptically.

“And I’ve always wanted to break up a boy band,” Bob said.  “So this was a win-win.”

“You did this on purpose?”

“Yep.”

“Genius!”

“You’re not mad?”

“Nope,” Woodruff said.  “In ten years we can have a reunion tour.  We’ll make millions!”

“Yes!” Bob said.  “Then we can release the never before released lost single, Green Jell-o and Carrots.”

“Green Jell-o,” Woodruff corrected.

Bob looked over at Woodruff with a furrowed brow and squinted his eyes.

“And Carrots.”

“Here we go again,” Ruth squawked.

You Can’t Get Mad From A Turnip

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“It really is a versatile vegetable,” Bob said.

“You can say that again,” Woodruff mumbled with a mouth full of salad.

“But I didn’t say that,” Bob replied, as he shoved another fork full into his mouth.

Woodruff eyed his friend and shook his head.

“You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it,” Bob continued as a half-eaten turnip rolled around in his pie hole.  “Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried, flayed, cabbaged. There’s turnip-kabobs, turnip gumbo, turnip tacos, pineapple turnips, lemon turnips, coconut turnips, bacon turnips, turnip soup, turnip stew, turnip salad, turnip and potatoes, turnip burger, turnip sandwich, turnip pie…”

Bob swallowed his thoroughly chewed turnip remains and raised an eyebrow as he searched the deepest recesses of his turnip culinary database.

“That’s about it,” he concluded.

“Plus, it’s fun to say,” Woodruff added.

“Totally,” Bob agreed.  “Turnip, Turn up, Turniiiip.”

“Tuuuuuurnip,” Woodruff chimed in.  “TurNIP, turnip-turnip-turnip.”

They laughed hysterically and Bob wiped at a piece of turnip shrapnel that escaped from Woodruff’s mouth and landed on his cheek.  A short stocky bald man, with a scowl on his face, emerged from the kitchen wearing an apron and carrying a tray.  The man tossed two plates of turnip tacos in front of them and began to pick up the tower of plates collecting at the center of the table.

“No, wait,” Bob said.  “We’re stacking those so we can see how many platefuls we’ve eaten.”

The man grunted and set the stack back down on the table.  He turned and stomped back toward the swinging kitchen door.

“Thank you, my good man,” Woodruff called to the back of the man’s head.  “I think we’ll try the bacon wrapped turnips next.”

There was a crash on the other side of the swinging door as the man in the apron kicked it open and marched into the kitchen.

“I think he’s mad,” Bob said.  They paused and admired their tower of empty plates that nearly reached the ceiling.

“Hey, don’t hang up a sign if you don’t mean it,” Woodruff said, and pointed to the All-You-Can-Eat Turnips sign in the front window.

“What’s my credo, Woodruff?”

“Omne omnes vos-potest manducare signum est provocatione te dignum est.”

“That’s right,” Bob said.  “Every all-you-can-eat sign is a challenge to meet it.”

“Credo’s also fun to say.”

“You gotta have a credo.”

“That’s actually my credo.”

“Great credo.”

“Mm,” Woodruff said.  “These turnip tacos are amazing.”

“You said it.”

“No I didn’t.”

Woodruff and Bob furrowed their brows and surveyed one another for a moment.  When Bob consumed the last turnip taco Woodruff turned around and looked back toward the kitchen door.

“How long do you think it takes to wrap a turnip with bacon?”

“Dunno,” Bob said, after he swallowed his last bite.  “Hey Woodruff?”

“Yeah Bob?”

“I’m toying with the idea of going by Robbie.”

“But then we’d have to change our logo.”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

The scowling man in the apron returned from the kitchen and laid a pair of bacon wrapped skewers on the table.  The bacon was still sizzling when Bob scooped up the skewer nearest him and popped it in his mouth.

“Oh!” Bob yelped.  “Hot!”

“That’s it,” the man said with a frown.

“What’s it?” Woodruff asked.

“The turnips,” the man said.  “They’re finished.”

“Geez,” Bob moaned.  “I t’ink I burn’d my to’gue.”

“They seem nice and finished,” Woodruff said.  “Might we get some turnip ice cream for my friend’s tongue.”

“We’re out!” shouted the man.  “It’s done, gone, caput, no more turnips!”

“No more turnips?” Woodruff asked.

“What’s the matter with you two?” the man demanded.  “Nobody eats that many turnips.  It’s a gimmick.  It’s supposed to bring people in.  They think, ‘Oh, All-You-Can-Eat’ so they come in and pay seven fifty and then remember after the first plate that they don’t like turnips.  That sign has worked for twenty-eight years, until you two came along!”

He stormed off to the kitchen and briefly got his apron caught in the swinging door.  Bob gulped down the glass of chocolate goat milk next to his plate.

“What’s his deal?” Woodruff asked.

“Dunno,” Bob said.  “So, was that a no on the turnip ice cream?”

“I think so.”

“Well then, this goat’s milk is a life saver.”

“It’s a good thing we brought old Delilah.”

“And Mr. Scowling Face threw such a fit when we milked her,” Bob said and patted the black and white goat on the head.

“I bet he feels foolish now.”

“He should,” Bob said.  “No turnip ice cream when you’re serving scolding hot bacon.  That’s irresponsible.

“So, why Robbie?” Woodruff asked.

“It makes me sound younger,” Bob replied.

“But you are young.”

“Yeah, but if I sounded younger I could get into the movies at the kid’s rate.”

“That doesn’t sound right.”

“Sure it does,” Bob said.  “Hello, sir, welcome to the cinema.  Then I say, ‘The name’s Robbie.’ and then he says, ‘Oh, pardon me, I thought you were older.  That’ll be a dollar twenty-five.’  Boom, kid’s rate.”

“I don’t know, Bob,” Woodruff said as he shook his head.  “What movie are you going to see?”

“The youth are all about period piece docudramas,” Bob said.  “Maybe something with Steve Buscemi or Elizabeth McGovern.  You know, on fleece.”

“Fleek,” Woodruff corrected.

“Like spitting?” Bob asked.  He stood up and pushed his chair back under the table.

“No, that’s gleek.”

“I thought that was a Glee fan.”

“Oh right,” Woodruff said.  He pushed his chair in and took hold of Delilah’s leash.  “What were we talking about?”

“No idea.”

“We should leave a nice tip.”

“Good idea,” Bob said.  He took a marker from his pocket and wrote on a napkin.  “Keep bananas fresher by wrapping the stems in plastic wrap.”

“That’s a good tip,” Woodruff said.

The man in the apron stepped out from behind the swinging door with a Polaroid camera.  He walked up to Woodruff and Bob, who were standing next to the leaning tower of plates while Delilah chewed on the tablecloth.  The man growled as he raised the camera and a blindly light flashed in their eyes.  A card printed out the bottom and the man angrily shook it as he moved behind the counter.  With a thumbtack, he pinned the picture next to a red sign above the cash register that said ‘We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone’.

“Sweet!” Woodruff and Bob cheered in unison.

“We got our picture on the wall,” Bob said.

“We’re gonna be famous,” Woodruff replied.

Bob pulled open the front door and they stepped out onto the sidewalk with Delilah trailing behind them.

“You wanna see a movie or something?” Woodruff said.

“Can I be Robbie?”

“Robbie doesn’t make you sound younger, it makes you sound unemployable.”

“Jeff Weiner once called me unemployable at a charity auction for A Cappella without Borders.”

“What movie should we see?”

“Sun Valley 10 is playing She’s Having a Baby for Totally 80’s Thursdays,” Bob said.

“Done and done.”

“Meh eheheh eh,” Delilah bleated.

A Wob by the Tail

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“If you sat on a voodoo doll of yourself, would you be able to stand back up?” Woodruff asked.

“Dude, you’re blowing my mind right now,” Bob said.

“Think about it,” Woodruff said.  “You’d be stuck there forever.”

“I’d totally come and push you off of it.”

“That’s if you’re not stuck on top of your own voodoo doll.”

“Stop, Woodruff, you’re scaring me,” Bob said.

They stepped onto a broad wooden bridge that stretched across a large moat.  On the far side of the bridge were several ticketing booths, with a gated entrance beyond.  Bob ran his hand along the metal railing and looked over the edge, down at the giant coy fish swimming in the moat and the ducks congregated on top of the green water.  Woodruff stayed near the center of the bridge and shuffled alongside of Bob, as he counted the bolts that bound the planks to the frame.

“There they are,” Bob said, as he pointed down to the banks of the moat.  “You ready for this?”

“There are two types of people in this world,” Woodruff said.  “Those who cut the tags off blue jeans before they even try them on, and those who use changing rooms.  Half the pants I own don’t even fit, so yeah, I’m ready.”

“This is really your biggest fear?” Bob said.

“Bob, these are the most fearsome creatures to ever walk the earth,” Woodruff said.  “They’ve outlasted the dinosaur.  They can live anywhere from the depth of the ocean to the harsh Saharan desert.  They have vice-like beaks with legs like an elephant and talons like a hawk.  They can retract their skull into their rock hard exterior.  If they had wings, no place on this planet would be safe.”

“Wings?” Bob questioned.

“They’d be the top of the food chain,” Woodruff said, pantomiming a flapping motion.

“Don’t they eat, like, grass and lettuce?”

“That’s what they want you to think,” Woodruff said.  “Just look into their black calculating eyes.”

“So what’re you gonna do, wrestle it?” Bob asked.

“I’m going to stare straight into the flat face of death,” Woodruff said.  “I’m going to stand directly in harm’s way and show that monster what I’m made of.  I’m going to stretch forth my unwavering hand and place it at the peak of peril and laugh at the reaper.”

“You’re gonna touch its shell and run?”

“Yeah, that.”

Woodruff drew in a deep breath and hopped over the railing.  He made his way tenuously down the steep slope toward the muddy bank of the moat.  Bob watched from above as Woodruff approached what looked like a tire sized rock.

“Turn and face me,” Woodruff said to the dark mound that hugged the shoreline.  “Your reign of terror ends today.”

The large dome moved and Woodruff fell backwards into the reeds and mud.

“Sweet Oogway!” Woodruff shouted.  “It’s charging!”

The giant turtle slowly rotated around in Woodruff’s direction.

“Quick, touch it,” Bob yelled down from the bridge.

“It’s too late,” Woodruff said.  “I’m done for.”

“You can do it, Woodruff.”

“Bob, I want you to have my pan flute when I’m gone.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Bob said.  “You’re gonna make it.”

Bob jumped over the rail and tumbled down the slope toward Woodruff and the turtle.  By the time he reached the murky waters of the moat, the terrifying tortoise had almost finished turning itself toward Woodruff.

“Tell Thelma she was right,” Woodruff cried.  “Those cream cheese and chive Hot Pockets were a mistake.”

“Just hang on, Woodruff,” Bob said.  “I’m almost there.”

Bob trudged through the ankle deep mud as the turtle took its first step toward the fallen Woodruff.

“Merciful Morla!” Woodruff yelped.  “This is the end.”

“Get up,” Bob said, as he reached down and pulled Woodruff to his feet.  “Now, do what you came here to do.”

The turtle extended its long neck from its shell and looked up at Woodruff.  He closed his eyes tight and reached out his long arm.  When his hand was directly over the turtle’s back, Bob pushed down on his arm and Woodruff’s fingers touched the cold hard dome.

“I did it!” Woodruff declared.  “I touched it!”

“You faced your fear,” Bob smiled.

“Now let’s get out of here before its web-footed minions come for us,” Woodruff said.

“Are you talking about the ducks?”

“And the frogs too.”

They raced along the muddy banks away from the lethargic leviathan.  Just around the bend they came to a thick chain link fence that stretched out over the moat.  Woodruff squeezed through a small gap between the fence and the trunk of a massive mesquite tree.  After several minutes of struggling and failing to get around or over the fence, Bob fell into the murky moat and swam under it.

“That water looks nasty,” Woodruff said as Bob crawled out of the moat to join him on the other side of the fence.

“It’s not bad,” Bob said.  “Kind of a limey coconut flavor.”

They followed the water down a deep canal, banked on both sides but a concrete wall.

“Give me a boost,” Woodruff said.  Bob lifted him over the concrete wall into a meticulously landscaped island.  They were hemmed in by the canal on one side and a 20-foot high fence on the other.  Woodruff reached back down and helped Bob up onto the grassy lawn in the corner of the island.

“Sir, sir,” a woman called from behind the higher concrete wall on the opposite side of the canal.  “Suriya appears to be in distress.”

“She called you sir,” Bob chuckled.

“Please, come quick,” the woman said.  Woodruff and Bob jogged in parallel with the woman, from the other side of the wall, to the far end of the island.

“Is that a…,” Bob gasped.

“Yep,” Woodruff confirmed.  “That’s a tiger.”

A large orange and black striped cat lay on a bed of straw, with one leg high in the air.  The tiger turned to look at Woodruff with her golden eyes.

“I know what this is,” Woodruff said.  “She’s in labor.”

“How do you know?” Bob asked.

“Spent a summer in Sumatra building miniature jabu villages for underprivileged ants,” Woodruff said.  “You see things.”

The woman from the other side of the wall joined a gathering of boys and girls, huddled together behind a thick pane of glass in a large observation area.  Bob waved at the children and gave them an enthusiastic thumbs-up.

“What’re we gonna do?” he asked Woodruff out of the side of his mouth, while smiling at the woman and children.  “Miss Bliss and her merry band of kindergartens, over there, are watching.”

“Nature’s gonna do her thing,” Woodruff said.  “We just gotta sit back and catch a kitten.”

“Disgusting,” Bob said.

There was a loud tap on the glass that startled Suriya, Woodruff and Bob.  A scrawny man in a khaki jumpsuit held onto a broom with one hand and shook a dustpan at them with the other.

“What are you doing in there?” he asked.

“I need 12 pickles,” Woodruff spoke loudly toward the scrawny zookeeper behind the glass.

“Pickles?” the zookeeper asked.

“This tiger is about to give birth,” Woodruff said.  “I need 12 pickles and I need them now!”

The zookeeper dropped the broom and dustpan, and hurried off with a worried look on his face.

“What do you need 12 pickles for?” Bob asked.

“I’m hungry,” Woodruff replied.  “Look, here it comes.”

A small balloon-like bubble with a tiger cub inside slid onto the straw and Suriya began to lick her baby clean.

“Aw, look at that,” Bob said.  “It’s super gross and yet beautiful at the same time.  Like a librarian who wears her hair up in a bun.”

“Totally,” Woodruff agreed.  “What are we going to name him?”

“We get to name him?” Bob asked.

“It’s zoo law,” Woodruff said.  “He who delivers it dubs it.”

“Let’s name it Wob,” Bob said.  “Like a mix of Woodruff and Bob.”

“That’s stupid,” Woodruff said.  “We should pick proper tiger name like Tony or Shere Khan.”

“What’s the tiger’s name from Kung Fu Panda?”

“Tigress, but this is a boy cub.”

“How can you tell?”

“Go ask your mom or dad.”

“Fine.”

“What about Sparky?”

“Sparky?”

“Yeah, after Sparky Anderson,” Woodruff said.  “Detroit Tigers Hall of Fame Manager.”

“I like it,” Bob said.  “Uh, Woodruff?”

“Yeah Bob.”

“Another bubble baby is in the hay,” Bob pointed to a second little tiger cub, as Suriya went to work cleaning the new arrival with her long pink tongue.

“Twins,” Woodruff said.  “This one’s all yours.  Zoo law.”

“Wob,” Bob declared.

“Bob, you can’t name her after us,” Woodruff said.  “This cub is a girl.”

“How can you tell?” Bob demanded.

“Ask your parents,” Woodruff said.

Bob pulled out his cell and tapped the screen several times.  He put it to his ear and waited.

“Mom, it’s me, Sugar Bear,” Bob said.  “How can you tell a girl tiger cub from a boy tiger cub?”

Woodruff knelt down next to Suriya and gently scratch her behind the ear.

“No, this isn’t a joke,” Bob continued talking to his phone.  “I’m really asking.”

“Good girl,” Woodruff whispered to the momma tiger.  “Don’t worry, those pickles are on the way.”

“Oh,” Bob said.  He lowered the phone from his ear and looked at the class in the observation room.  “Tigger should really be wearing pants.”

Ready, Set, Romance

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Listen as I venture bravely into romance and help Janette Rallison with her novella anthology.

Episode 27

Janette Needs Help

Episode 28

Titles

Episode 29

Fan Questions

Episode 30

More Plotting for Janette

 

Subscribe to Ready, Set, Write Podcast on iTunes for more amazingness

Fyrecon

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I’m thrilled to be a part of Fyrecon June 8-10 at Weber State University – Davis Campus in Layton, Utah.  I’ll be teaching two classes and sitting on four panels.

https://www.fyrecon.com/schedule/

To kick off the event Thursday I’ll be teaching a class at 1:30pm Bringing Your Story to Life where I’ll help writer take their stories from beginning to the end.

Friday fun day is loaded with another class and two panels.  The first panel starts at 11:30am where we talk about books that have influenced us.  Then at 2:30pm I’ll be teaching a class on flipping your story upside down to find clarity where I relate my experience as a freelance sports reporter and what I learned that helped my write novels.  Right after that I’ll sit on the panel talking about the dos and don’ts of manipulating your audience.

Saturday evening I’ll be moderating the panel on reboots and remakes for television and film which I’m really excited about.  Then I’ll be sitting on a panel with my good friend Alyson Peterson on writing humor.

I can’t wait!

A Dream Among The Stars

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I had a thought that grew into a dream.  That dream went with me everywhere.  It was with me at work.  With me while I ate.  I laughed with my dream and it smile back.  My dream greeted me each morning and bid me goodnight as I lay down to sleep.  My dream was even with me while I showered.

More and more of my energy went toward my dream as it grew and grew.  One day, quite miraculously, my dream turned into a star.  It lived in my head, as real as real could be, until I could no longer contain it.  I was not ready for the world to see my little star so I kept it in my pocket.  Day after day it took shape and grew bigger and brighter.

One day I felt it was time to share my little star with others.  I gave a peek to those closest to me and they looked on my little star with awe and wonder.  Some hailed it and proclaimed that it belonged in the heavens while others questioned if it were big or bright enough.  Truth be told, I wondered the same thing myself.

We were faced with two choices, my dream and I.  Either my little star would remain tucked safely away in my pocket, where only I would know of its beauty and brightness, or we would endeavor to follow brave men and women into the celestial sky to place it among the stars.  My fondest desire was to share my little star with all who might enjoy it, so the choice was easy.  The journey, however, was not.

With a deep breath and a prayer in my heart, I set off for the top of the mountain.  I climbed the nearest peak and when I reached the summit I took my little star from my pocket and held it high, toward the heavens.  We waited, my dream and I, for what seemed like an eternity.  I gave serious thought to constructing a vessel of my own for the trip when at last a tiny sail boat floated through the sky as if in answer to my silent prayer.

Grateful for the passage I gave no thought to its size or worthiness but leapt in before it could depart without us.  We sailed up into the great unknown toward a future of glorious possibilities.  The journey was long but my little star and I reveled in the fact that we had been accepted into the vast galaxy above.  With wide-eyed wonder we took in the passing cosmos on our way to our long sought destination.

At last we arrived and I took my little star, gave it one last adoring look, and placed it with the other beautiful spheres of light.  The joy I felt nearly caused my heart to burst.  I returned to earth, full of excitement, to call for all of my friends and family so they might see the heights we had reached, my dream and I.  They rejoiced with me and we celebrated together for a time.  I spread the word far and wide that my dream had become a star and my star was in the sky for all to behold.

Many came and looked upon my star.  There were those who delighted in its splendor and whimsy.  And others who did not find it as grand or brilliant as other stars they had seen.  When I stepped back and took in the breathtaking tapestry of the universe, my little star seemed so insignificant and the prospect of anyone finding it on their own seemed so remote that my joy began to slip away.

It was then I remembered where we began our journey and just how far my dream had come to take its place among the stars.  It did not matter to me that it was dwarfed in size and brilliance by its glorious companions or that it might be lost to some among the infinite expanse of space.  To me the only thing that mattered was how far we had come and what my dream had become.  I do not know how long or how bright my little star will burn or how many will enjoy its light.  But I now know what a dream can be and before I am through I plan on placing a few more stars in the sky.