The Greatest Snowman

“A nervous hush has fallen over this crowd as we wait for two revolutionaries to take the ice.”

“Two revolutionaries and a snowman.”

“Right you are, Barbara, don’t discount that snowman.”

“Chuck, I haven’t been this excited since I found out Mylie Cyrus wears spanx.”

“The tension in the air is palpable, just one skate standing between an unlikely duo and history.”

“They’ve already made history, Chuck, they literally invented the sport.  And here they are representing their country on the world stage.”

“It gives you goosebumps.”

A rolling wave of voices rose from the grandstands and swelled into shouts and cheers.

“Speaking of goosebumps, here they come!”

“Can you feel that crowd!  This is what they came to see!”

“Barbara, you know I don’t like hyperbole, but this moment right here has got to be the greatest in Olympic history.”

“No question, Chuck.  Woodruff and Bob have lit this stadium on fire.”

“Ooh, watch out, the ice might start to melt.”

“I meant figuratively, Chuck, but I wouldn’t put it past them.”

“I certainly would not,” the announcer chuckled.

“Let’s just watch quietly as these two visionaries glide majestically to the center of the rink.”

“I’m trying to, if you would shut your yapper for a minute.”

Barbara cackled uncontrollably before composing herself after a violent snort.

“But seriously, the gravity of this moment is not lost on anyone.  We are witnessing the coronation of the first ever Snowling Olympic Champions.”

“Should we explain Snowling, for the uninitiated in our audience?”

“You mean those living under a rock?”

“Oh behave,” Barbara said.  “Snowling is a test of snowmanning with a hybrid twist of speed skating, ice dancing, and curling.  It is the ultimate winter Olympic sport and we owe it all to these men circling the rink right now.”

“Woodruff and Bob pitched the idea to the IOC just a few months ago and it was unanimously voted into the games.”

“And throughout the prelims it has been the highest rated program on television.”

“Capturing the hearts and imaginations of the world.”

A muffled voice sounded in the distance, on the public announcement system in the arena, which was nearly inaudible except for the last three words, Woodruff and Bob.  The crowd swelled with a fresh round a cheers and then feel completely silent.

“Here we go, the long anticipated moment,” Chuck said.  “Woodruff and Bob set up in their usual positions at opposite ends of the snow pile.”

“They told me yesterday that it helps them mentally focus their energy on the snow.”

The blow of a horn through the speakers echoed in the arena.

“And they’re off, look at that speed and precision.”

“This is the patented Newtofski Method, or stack and pack.  Woodruff stacks the snow and Bob packs it into a sphere.”

“It’s like getting to see Michelangelo carve David out of a marble slab.”

“Only with fifty million people watching.”

“Exactly!  They’ve already formed the base with just over thirty second elapsed.”

“They’re well ahead of their own world record pace.”

“It feels like they set a new record every time out.”

“Because they do!”

“The torso is complete and Woodruff has started the stack for the head.”

“And Bob is packing!”

“They brought coal with them from Virginia and Pennsylvania, which they mined themselves specifically for these games.”

“And unlike the Russia’s, who were disqualified for using enlarged coal, Woodruff and Bob bring out the personality of the snowman with placement, not size.”

“The carrots are locally grown giving it that international relations touch that they are known for.”

“You couldn’t ask for better ambassadors of goodwill than Woodruff and Bob.”

“The face is set and Woodruff is applying the arms.”

“Bob just produced a red, white, and blue scarf from his pocket!”

“He’s swaddle the neck of the snowman!”


“No rules against that.”

“Nor should there be.”

“Guiding their masterpiece by the limbs they flow effortlessly into the free skate.”

“They have two huge techniques before they show us that world class speed.”

“The first comes right here, triple snowcow into a double toe loop, right into a camel spin!”


“Brilliant, absolutely brilliant!”

“And the snowman never left the ground.”

“Which is critical if it’s going hold together until the slide.”

“No question.”

“Here comes the quadruple lutz into an upright spin.”

“They bring the snowman with them on this adventure.”



“They absolutely nailed it!”

“This crowd doesn’t know whether to cheer or cry.”

“I’m doing both.”

“Now they really bring the heat.”

“Two full laps around the arena with their snowman in tow.”

“Woodruff and Bob use the fireman carry, hoisting their snowman off the ice and cradling it between them.  Bob said sometimes it feels like the snowman it carrying them.”

“Woodruff told me that what speed they lose to wind resistance they make up for with the lack of friction.”

“There’s no arguing with the results.  Coming around the final turn they are WAY ahead of their record pace!”

“Watch how effortlessly they set up for the slide.”

“They rest the snowman back on the ice like it never left.  Bob eyeballs the target and glides the snowman in the right direction while Woodruff adjusts the speed with the brush.”

“They are like the Simon and Garfunkel of Snowling.”

“It’s heading straight for the house!”

“This is it!”

“They’ve done it!”


“This is what Snowling is all about.”

“A picture perfect finish for a picture perfect snowman.”

“The Greatest Snowman!”

“A new Olympic record, a new world record and the first ever Snowling gold medal!”

“It’s only fitting that it goes to the fathers of Snowling.”

“You’ve got that right, Barbara!  Listen to this crowd!”

Chants of Woodruff and Bob and U-S-A reverberate throughout the arena.

“This is a night none of us will ever forget.”

“Let’s go down to Melissa who is rink side with the new champions.”

“Thanks Chuck, tell me Bob, how does Olympic gold medalist sound?”

“Oh wow, Melissa, I just can’t even put it in words.  I mean we never thought we’d be here.  And now…it’s amazing.”

“Woodruff, can you talk about all the build up to this moment?”

“Well, we’ve trained so hard to get here.  We knew we’d be facing the greatest snowlers in the world and we’d need to bring our A game.  I’m so grateful for this guy right here.  I couldn’t have done it without him.  And I wouldn’t have wanted to.”

“You give each snowman a name, tell me, what did you name your gold medal snowman.”

“Herbert.  We named him after Woodruff’s Uncle Herb.  He’s watching from the hospital right now after his third appendectomy.”

“They just keep growing back, but he’s a fighter.  He’s gonna beat this.  Love you, Uncle Herb.”

“Well, on behalf of Uncle Herb, the United States, and the world, thank you for blessing us with a performance we’ll never forget.”

“Thank you Melissa, and THANK YOU AMERICA!”

“Go USA!”

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