Binged
“What day is it?” Woodruff asked.
“It’s Saturday,” Bob said. “Or Monday. I’m not sure. When did Oceanic 815 crash on the island?”
“Uh, I think we started LOST on Friday.”
“What episode are we on now?”
“The Lighthouse, I think.”
“Oh, um, that’s one hundred and eight episodes at forty-four minutes a piece,” Bob calculated. “Factoring in pauses for potty breaks and to pay the pizza delivery guy…”
“And the Uber driver with our takeout from Jade Palace,” Woodruff interrupted.
“Right,” Bob said. “Um, well, it’s probably late Monday or early Tuesday.”
Woodruff stood up from his seat and stretched his arms high above his head. He yawned and scratched his back, as he walked over to the drawn curtains. Bob picked at the popcorn kernels scattered over his blanket and smelled his old blue t-shirt. Woodruff pulled back the curtain and looked outside.
“It’s dark out,” Woodruff said. “You think we should get some sleep?”
“But the smoke monster,” Bob said. “And Hurley, and baby Aaron. We’ve got to know what happens to baby Aaron. What about Kate and Jack? Are they going to get together?”
“You said the same thing about Jim and Pam.”
“And they did get together, you’re welcome.”
“And what about The West Wing?”
“What about The West Wing?” Bob replied. “That was riveting television.”
“Yeah, SEVEN seasons of riveting television!” Woodruff exclaimed.
“Well, five and three-quarters were actually riveting.”
“And before that it was Arrested Development.”
“Those Peanuts call backs were hilarious.”
“And Breaking Bad?”
“How could he just watch Jane die?”
“And Gilmore Girls.”
“I still say Rory should’ve ended up with Logan, he challenges her.”
“And 30 Rock.”
“Liz Lemon proved you can have it all.”
“Friday Night Lights.”
“Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.”
“The Great British Baking Show.”
“You loved Mary’s Bakewell Tart.”
“Yeah, that was delicious,” Woodruff nodded and looked dreamily at the ceiling. He shook his head rapidly and looked back down at Bob. “That’s not the point.”
“What’s the point then?”
“We said we’d stop after we learned who Don Draper really was…”
“I did not see that coming.”
“And then we said we’d turn it off after Titus and/or Kimmy found true love.”
“Hashbrown, no filter.”
“This all started because we wanted to know what the Stranger Things were.”
“I’m not going to fight again, Woodruff, Eleven would beat Matilda hands down.”
“Bob, how long have we been watching Netflix?”
“Well, let’s see, I got a 30-day free trial on New Year’s Day, when Will rode his bike home and got pulled into the upside down by the Demogorgon.”
Woodruff tapped on his digital watch and his face was illuminated in its blue glow. His eyes grew wide as he stared at the digital display.
“Bob, it’s February!”
“That’s not possible,” Bob said. “My New Year’s resolution was to be more physically active.”
Woodruff flipped the switch on the wall and they both squinted and blinked at the explosion of light. All the counter and table top space was covered with pizza boxes and Chinese takeout cartons, and the floor was littered with empty microwavable popcorn bags.
“Oh boy, there goes my resolution to eat better.”
“How did this happen?”
“I don’t know, I blame David Fincher.”
“We’ve, uh, we’ve got to get some sleep,” Woodruff said, rubbing his eyes. “Or get outside. We need to clean this up. I gotta take a shower and get a clean change of clothes. I need to call my broker and let him know I’m alive. Oh my goodness!”
Woodruff drove into a pile of pizza boxes and started throwing them to either side.
“What?” Bob asked as he leapt out of his recliner.
“Lou.”
“Lou who?”
“Lou,” Woodruff repeated. “The iguana that followed us home from Jamaica.”
“Leaping lizards!” Bob exclaimed, as he began to peel through the cartons and boxes on the floor.
“Lou,” Woodruff called.
“Lou?” Bob cried.
“Yoohoo.”
Woodruff and Bob dug through the pizza box jungle as they made their way to the kitchen. There they found a long green iguana lying on its back, on the linoleum floor, in front of the fridge. His tongue hung out and his hind leg twitched.
“Lou!”
The iguana’s head snapped up and he looked at Woodruff and Bob through groggy googly eyes. Woodruff turned him over on his stomach and Bob laid a piece of pizza crust near his front claws. Lou began to chew on the crust, listlessly.
“Thank Ted Danson he’s okay.”
Woodruff rinsed out a metal bowl and placed it on the floor. Bob filled the bowl with what remained of a 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper and Lou began to lap up the room temperature brown liquid.
“Maybe we should get him something to eat besides pizza and egg rolls,” Woodruff suggested.
“Nah, you’ve got all five basic food groups covered.”
“That doesn’t sound right.”
“Bread,” Bob began, holding up his fingers as he counted. “Pizza dough, boom. Vegetables. Cabbage, boom. Fruit. Pizza sauce, boom…”
“Pizza sauce?”
“Tomatoes are fruit.”
“Apologies,” Woodruff said. “Continue.”
“Dairy. Mozzarella, boom,” Bob said. “Meat. Eggs. Plus, there’s pepperoni in the pizza and pork in the egg rolls, double boom! Balanced diet.”
“But pizza is like loaded with carbohydrates, and egg rolls are deep fried.”
“Fact, everything is better when it’s deep fried and your body needs carbohydrates to live, look it up.”
“Can’t argue with that.”
“You could, but you’d sound like an idiot.”
Woodruff and Bob left the kitchen and made their way through the sea of empty popcorn bags, back to their easy chairs. Bob shook the kernels off of his blanket and Woodruff plopped down on the cushion and held a half full popcorn bucket to his chest.
“We can’t go on like this, Bob.”
“I know.”
“This isn’t healthy.”
“Agreed.”
They sat and stared at the message on the screen. Are you still watching “LOST”? Woodruff picked up the remote and hovered between Continue Watching and Back.
“You know, we’re almost finished with the series,” Woodruff said.
“And it would be a shame not to see how this turns out.”
“We could just watch to the finale and then shut this thing down.”
“Totally,” Bob said. “Although I did see that A Series of Unfortunate Events drops soon.”
“And we still haven’t seen The Crown.”
“Or Ozark.”
“Or House of Cards.”
“And I hear good things about Daredevil.”
“Iron Fist looks cool too.”
“Don’t forget about Jessica Jones and Luke Cage.”
“Oh, and The Defenders!”
“13 Reasons Why has an interesting premise.”
“Thirteen reasons why we should keep our Netflix subscription.”
“Okay, but right after Godless, Frontier, Marco Polo, and Master of None we are canceling.”
“No question,” Woodruff agreed. “We catch up on the latest season of The Flash and it’s over.”
“You don’t want to give Supergirl a try?”
“Bob, be reasonable, know when to say when.”
“You’re right, Woodruff, you’re right.”
“And we’re going to make sure we take breaks to sleep and go outside this time.”
“For sure.”
“Come on, Lou,” Woodruff called back toward the kitchen. “We’re about to find out what lies in the shadow of the statue.”
“I’ll get the lights,” Bob said, as he leapt up from his chair and closed the curtains.