Ain’t No Party
“We’re here talking to an unusual political candidate,” the blonde newswoman spoke into the camera. “This first of its kind political team is running as a single entity for a seat in the state assembly. Woodruff and Bob, thank you for being here.”
“Thank you for having us, Janice,” Bob said.
“It’s Suzanne.”
“Of course you are,” Bob replied with a wink.
“How did you come up with this unique idea?” Suzanne asked.
“Well, I’ve had political aspirations since losing out to Melissa Pennyberry for treasurer in the third grade,” Woodruff said. “It was a total popularity contest. I didn’t stand a chance again her sweet headgear and her wicked cool cross-eyed corrective lenses. It was a landslide.”
“When Woodruff told me he was running I threw my hat in the ring as well,” Bob said. “We have very different political ideals and I wasn’t about to let this country go to smell like a ham basket.”
“Do you mean, go to hell in a hand basket?” Suzanne asked.
“That doesn’t even make any sense,” Bob replied.
“Anywho,” Woodruff continued. “Things got tense between us after that, so we decided we’d flip a coin for the sake of our friendship.”
“The coin landed in the gutter, straight on its side,” Bob said. “We took that for a sign.”
“And here we are,” Woodruff added, he sat up straight and adjusted his bright red tie. “Woodruff and Bob for the 53rd Assembly District Representative.”
“Tell us how you resolve those political differences.”
“It’s simple really,” Bob said. “We agreed to give each other an equal share.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well if I start something, Bob finishes, and vice versa,” Woodruff explained. “For instance, we’ve got to put a stop to the war on…”
“…hashtags,” Bob said. “Hashtags are not only useful at grouping topics, but are a hilarious device in conversation as well. The mean strain media wants to limit them to social media posts and news scrawls. #freethehash.”
“That approach seems a bit unpredictable,” Suzanne said.
“Not if you know your other half,” Bob said. “Like if I say, we have to propose a bill with common sense reform on…”
“…potato peeler thumb guards,” Woodruff said. “One in six hundred seventy-five thousand Americans cuts their finger on an unguarded potato peeler even month and a half. Twenty-three percent of those are children. Suzanne, do you want your children to lose the top layer of skin on one of their precious digits because your politicians failed to act responsibly?”
“Uh, no?” Suzanne replied.
“Exactly,” Bob said. “And even though I’m fundamentally opposed to government regulation in any form, I’m fine with his proposition because I started the sentence.”
“That makes some sense, I guess,” Suzanne said. “Do you confer at all before commencing a statement?”
“We find it better to just start down a path…”
“…and let the drips fall where they may.”
“You mean the chips?”
“Why would you let chips fall?” Bob said. “Chips are delicious.”
With mouth agape, the newswoman shook her head and stared at Bob. He smiled brightly back at her and pulled at the collar of his button-up shirt.
“At the end of the day, Suzanne, it’s our names on the ballot but this election is about the people,” Woodruff said.
“You two are clearly non-conformists,” Suzanne said. “Is that why you started your own political party?”
“What’s that now?” Bob asked.
“Tell our viewers what the Yes, Please Party is all about,” Suzanne asked.
“Um, well,” Woodruff said. “The application for candidacy had a blank next to party affiliation and Bob wrote ‘yes, please’.”
“We’re pro-party, all the way,” Bob added.
“Wait, so do you not know what a political party is?”
“Janice, the people are tired of the status quo in politics,” Bob said. “This is a grass roots movement. We used a tough blue-green Bermuda hybrid with shade tolerance and a wide range of mowing heights.”
“We’re pretty proud of our grassroots,” Woodruff added.
“Your opponent has said and I quote,” Suzanne looked down at her paper and read. “The 53rd Assembly District has 99 problems and that campaign ain’t one, they’re two.”
“With all due respect to Mr. Z, who is a Sasquatch denier by the way, there’s actually three major problems in our district,” Bob began. “First, low income households don’t have access to medicinal macaroons…”
“Medicinal macaroons?”
“Macaroons can treat a variety of maladies,” Woodruff replied. “Irritable mom syndrome, chronic flat bottom disorder, not to mention the benefits to the gluten-free intolerant.”
“Nine out of ten dentists support our medicinal macaroon proposal,” Bob added. “Secondly, this country needs to take seriously our mobile warming problem.”
“You mean global warming?”
“What’s global warming?” Bob furrowed his brow and squinted one eye at the newswoman.
“What’s mobile warming?” Suzanne returned a furrowed-brow stare.
“Mobile warmings is when your phone gets really hot,” Woodruff said. “It’s fake news.”
“Denier!” Bob shouted. “Ninety-seven percent of Americans carry tiny nuclear reactors in their pockets and it’s only a matter of time before we have a catastrophe.”
“Again, that’s not how phones work,” Woodruff said.
Bob shook his head and turned back to the confused newswoman.
“Janice, we need common sense cell control laws.”
“It’s Suzanne.”
“Right,” Bob said. “If cell phone reform can save one life then it’s a no-brainer.”
“You’re a no-brainer,” Woodruff whispered.
“Yes, we can!” Bob proudly proclaimed, with a point to the camera.
“O-kay,” Suzanne said, with a sideways look at her cameraman. “What was the third problem?”
“Migration,” Woodruff said. “We need to build a wall.”
“You are in favor of building a wall to keep immigrants out?”
“No!” Bob replied incredulously. “Why would we want to keep people out? It’s awesome here.”
“We want to build a wall to keep residents in,” Woodruff clarified.
“Wait, what?”
“We lose eighteen percent of our population each summer to the Midwest and the Northeast,” Woodruff continued. “Only to have them return in the more temperate months.”
“We propose building a wall around the district borders to keep people here year-round,” Bob said. “If you want us at our best, you have to love us at our worst.”
“Polling shows that the majority of Americans don’t want to pay for a wall of any kind,” Suzanne replied.
“We don’t look at polling,” Woodruff said. “Besides, voters aren’t going to pay for one single cent.”
“Then how do you propose paying for this wall?”
“It’s going to be made entirely out of recycled material,” Bob said.
“Recycled material?”
“Yep,” Woodruff replied. “You know all that stuff that people list for free on Craigslist?”
“Yeah?” Suzanne answered quizzically.
“And when people put a couch or a dresser on the sidewalk with a sign that says free?”
“Uh huh?”
“Well, our friend Kenny has collected all of that stuff for years,” Bob said. “He has committed to line the district boundaries with it, for free.”
“If his estimation is correct, he can build a wall six feet high and four feet thick by the end of our first term,” Woodruff concluded.
“You want to build a wall of trash around your district?” Suzanne asked.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure,” Bob replied.
“That’s our campaign slogan,” Woodruff added, proudly displaying a red, white, and blue bumper sticker.
“Some estimates have you trailing your opponent by as much as ninety-four percent,” Suzanne said. “How do you intend to close a gap like that?”
“We just received the endorsement of the local chapter of the International Lawn Care Society, who are a big fan of our grassroots,” Woodruff said. “And our message seems to resonate with housewives, sidewalk musicians, and Latino males 41-42 years old.”
“It’s all going to come down to turn out,” Bob said. “We’ve got one hundred percent of the vagabond American vote, so if they are all that turns out then we’ll win easily. That’s just math.”
“I don’t know how to refute that,” Suzanne said.
“Why would you want to?” Woodruff replied.
“Do you have any parting words for our viewers?”
“Just two, Nutella toothpaste,” Bob winked at the camera and flashed a cheesy grin.
“Like I said to Melissa Pennyberry before the final results were read over the intercom,” Woodruff began. “Win or lose, I’m probably gonna to cry.”
“Well, thank you for speaking with us today, Woodruff and Bob,” the newswoman turned to speak directly into the camera. “I’m Suzanne Newsworthy and this has been a Naptime Network exclusive, you can now take your pills and drink your prune juice, Geemas and Geepas.”